I’ve read a few think-pieces, comments on social media and other pop culture-based sites, and there appears to be a lot of griping about the general quality pool of people, both women and men who would be reasonable relationship material. And rightfully so, all things considered.
Yet, while it is true that relationships, at least in the West, are on the decline (I’ve mentioned this previously when I spoke about the Death of Dating and said, “It seems any behaviour that might indicate genuine love or desire for another person that leads to creating stable marriages and families is no longer popular”), the truth is, not all women or men are of the same ilk. This is largely because quality comes to quality. As the old saying goes, water seeks its own level, regardless of how times change.You know, we read a lot of ‘what to avoid’, ‘bad signs’ and the ‘red flags’ but let’s talk about what to look forward to, the good signs and the green flags of finding someone worthy of a long-term relationship. Click To Tweet
A goal without a plan is just a dream
Speaking from my own past experience dealing with disappointment, running into inept and arguably useless life partners, I had a friend who’s now a doctor advise me to create four relationship pillars. These four pillars were the foundation of my relationships. She explained being okay with one of the four pillars representing something in a partner that doesn’t necessarily align with your values. Or something you that may you not find favourable about a potential suitor. For example, if trust, commitment, and lifestyle were three of my pillars I should be okay if my potential partner was lacking something like accountability. “A table has four legs, but it can still stand on three,” she said. “Are you okay with a slightly wobbly table?”. “Are you also okay with that flaw and/or picking up the slack in that area?”. It was a meteor shower of questions that I was not ready for, although appreciative of.
I was also asked to write down my top three life values. “What do you stand for?” She asked. Unless you can clarify and identify what your truest values are in life, how would you expect a partner with similar values to come your way? Why shoot randomly in the dark when you have the option of turning on the lights and removing your blindfold? If you can create four pillars or three values the picture starts to get clearer and it’s easy to navigate the dating game with people who share and appreciate such values. Remember: water seeks its level. Once you can narrow down and zero-in precisely what you are after and what you need, the end game gets clearer. Writing it down on paper is key because only then does it turn into a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.
Like attracts like
Once you recognize the qualities and attributes you are truly after, you need to start asking yourself where people of that specific ilk spend their time. Let’s be honest here – many people today are not considered relationship material. Which is why I’m grateful I’m off the market. I would say 80-90% are not relationship material, which is a high percentage. Yet, there is still that 10-20% demographic that is viable and shouldn’t be discounted. This minority demographic should become your niche. The question now is: where do these elusive, quality folks reside so one might find them? Let’s use logic to break it down.
If you are looking for someone with high moral character, the answer might very well be a church or a humanitarian cause. Even a bank teller is a would-be contender. If you’re looking for someone who takes care of their physical appearance and condition, your answer may reside in a beauty salon, gym or a sports team. If you are looking for a partner with traditional values (i.e. can cook) or a breadwinner, your answer may very well be found in cooking classes found online or local. (Pro-tip: Caribbean’s and Italian’s are typically exceptional cooks). Breadwinners can usually be found on LinkedIn, attending conferences/networking events or book signings. Old-fashioned guerilla tactics still work. One route is to take a job at a place where affluent, successful people hang out. Golf courses, hotels, resorts, conventions centres, yacht clubs. Be creative. They are out there.
For people who think this is a gold digger’s tactic are mistaken – it takes more than income to run a household; cooking, cleaning, ensuring everyone is eating healthy and hearty meals, comforting, teaching and nurturing children, etc. Who knows during your search you may be able to pick up some new skills that can be translated into monetary gains.
Change your mentality
When I read a lot of the comments in think pieces and comments on social media, I sense a lot of people have abandoned hope. They feel that there are no good, quality women and men out there. This, however, is a ridiculously and erroneous notion. Also, abandoning hope does you no favours, as cynicism creeps in. And do you think anyone in their right mind is attracted to cynicism? Remember, like attracts like. You get what you put in.
This circles back to value – the value in one’s self. If you, my friend, do not exude value, how do you expect someone of high value to come our way or be drawn to you? Water seeks its own level. They’re not called “diamonds in the rough” without reason. To quote King Solomon “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:10-12).
At the end of the day, a lot of people need to get their heads out of their asses. They need to start applying better psychology, not in just the hopes of finding a good life-partner, but also in terms of making their personal lives better. Whining and complaining only makes you feel terrible.
If you want to land a keeper, have the fortitude and stock that they’d expect. Women and men of high righteous calibre don’t come easy. Then again, you wouldn’t value them if they did.